Mayim Bialik has a confession to make: She thinks she’s annoying.
In a revealing video titled “Having A Roommate Taught Me Self-Love,” shared to her YouTube channel Thursday, the actress detailed her belief.
“I don’t think I’m annoying all of the time, and I don’t think I’m necessarily annoying to everyone, but most of the time, I assume that I’m annoying to most people,” she said. “Like too much, too forward, too open, too much of a know-it-all, too interested in people’s inner lives, too intense, too cerebral, like I’m never ‘whatever’ about anything. I’m not like a light person.”
Bialik said the seed for this belief was planted when she was “a very young child,” wanting to hang out with her older brother.
“I have long carried around this notion that I’m too much,” she said. “It may not even be true, but it’s very hard to shake this feeling.”
“When a relationship didn’t work out, or a friendship failed, I’ve never really been able to look at the entirety of the relationship. It was always about how I knew I was wrong, and I was overbearing and I was too much,” she added. “I made up stories about how it must’ve not worked out because of my intensity, my devotion, my needs. I’m ashamed to say it, but even in my most recent breakup, that’s where I went in my head.”
But thanks to her roommate, whom she wrote about on her lifestyle site Grok Nation in January, Bialik is seeing herself in a new light.
While introducing Jeff in her post, she wrote of her first roommate ever: “He’s a very dear friend who moved to L.A. and through a series of circumstances, I offered him my downstairs room.”
In her video, the “Big Bang Theory” alum described her roomie as a “very good friend.” She said living with him has been “healing and amazing in ways I never pictured it could be.”
“When Jeff moved in, I explicitly expressed to him that I worry that I’m annoying and too much,” she said. “To my surprise, and his, I started to cry when I expressed this fear of mine. It turns out, I’m still a sensitive little girl who just wants to be included in her big brother’s life.
“Jeff has taught me a lot about true friendship,” she added. “He’s taught me that my company is welcome, and it’s appreciated. He’s shown me that I’m not too much and the exact things that I fear are too much about me – my desire for deep connection with others, my interest in people’s inner workings, my love for complexity and nuance and depth, these things are desirable in the right situation.”
Bialik said thanks to living with Jeff she now knows: “I can respect boundaries, I don’t have to take everything personally, I can be a part of someone’s life without smothering them.”
“Having a roommate didn’t solve my insecurities for good—they’re still there, but this has been, what we call in cognitive behavioral therapy, a corrective experience,” she said. “This can lay the foundation for me seeing a fuller picture of myself as a person with particularities and quirks.”